by Debra | Dec 24, 2023 | Featured Slider, Health & Wellness, Judaism, Loss, Mental Health, Rabbi
By Debra Rich Gettleman
Have you ever felt an internal longing for something you used to have? Maybe it’s a job or a relationship. Maybe it’s that empty nest pain that pops up after each Sunday night phone call from your kid in college. The pain of losing someone or something that isn’t actually gone, can be as, if not more, brutal as losing a loved one who has passed.
Indescribable Grief
When the war broke out in Israel, my son, Levi, was in Jerusalem, and he did not want to come back to the US. I felt so distant and removed from his life. I didn’t understand why he was reluctant to come home. I knew intellectually that he wanted to stay and help the war effort in whatever way he could. But I couldn’t get through to him how frightened I was and how desperately I was praying for his safe return and the safe return of all hostages. That is when I started talking about this indescribable grief I was experiencing. Grief for the innocent Israeli hostages, grief for the soldiers who were ambushed, grief for the unknown horrors I couldn’t even imagine. I called my beloved Rabbi and friend from Temple B’nai Israel in Oklahoma City, Vered Harris, to ask her if what I was experiencing had a name.
She shared with me the concept of ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is loss without closure or conclusion. “I think that we have to start with the idea of non-ambiguous loss, to understand ambiguous loss.” She proffered. “When someone we love dies, we know what that means. It means, I don’t get to speak with them anymore. I don’t get to hold their hand anymore. They won’t be at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And as much as we grieve and mourn those losses, we know that there is a finality to them. We don’t drive ourselves mad with wondering if they’re going to walk through the door this time. Are they going to surprise me?”
Full disclosure, I’m the worst surprise anticipator on the planet. I imagine these heartfelt reunions with far away friends and family at every imaginable turn. “Oh, I’m sure my husband who is working in a different city, will surprise me and show up at my birthday dinner.” Or, “Levi is just saying he’s not coming home from Israel. But surely, he’s on that last commercial flight out of Ben Gurion.” I can’t seem to not do this. Like I’m wanting something so badly that I mistakenly think I can create the impossible. And the disappointment each and every time grows exponentially.
Types of Ambiguous Loss
There are two types of ambiguous loss; physical and psychological. Physical ambiguous loss refers to people who may be missing or whose bodies are gone due to war, terrorism, or natural disasters. Psychological loss focuses on loss of emotional connection with someone who remains physically present. Having a relative who is lost to substance abuse, addiction, or Dementia, all represent a loss of cognitive connection. Psychological loss can also occur when one loses dreams due to financial setbacks or industry overhauls. In short, ambiguous loss refers to any kind of loss that doesn’t include death.
The term was coined back in the 70s by family therapist, Dr. Pauline Boss. She was working with families of lost soldiers and began to hone in on what she called the “myth of closure.” Her universally acclaimed book, Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief is considered by many to be the foremost authority on which much of today’s research is based.
As parents, we grieve losses daily. While most of us don’t actually want our children to move back into the house in their mid-twenties and early thirties, there is still a huge emptiness that they aren’t at the dinner table every night or holed up in their bedrooms playing video games. But, learning to tolerate the ambiguity of certain losses is crucial in developing resilience and moving on with one’s life.
Knowing my own sense of empty nest loss, I asked Rabbi Harris if that was a universal parental feeling. She told me, “I can only speak for myself. But I always wanted to be a mom and I always thought about what it was going to be like to have children, you know, raise children. But I never thought about what it was going to be like when they were raised.”
The Missing Hostages
“What about the hostages that are still missing,” I ask, “Does that constitute ambiguous loss?” Rabbi believes it’s still too early to know. “There is still reason to hope and pray that the remaining hostages are going to be back into the fold of their families, she tells me. “I’m choosing to keep that as my focus.”
We talk about the physical losses of homes and communities. Rabbi Harris tells me, “The areas, the kibbutz that was completely destroyed, that’s not ambiguous.” She insists that there is no one way to grieve, that each individual must find their own path to healing.
“Going back and rebuilding on that same land is still not going to be the same kibbutz, because of everything that’s transpired. However, rebuilding on that same land could very well bring healing to some of the people who have experienced what I wish was unimaginable and in many ways is unimaginable. Other people are going to grieve by never going back to that land again.
For me, the ambiguous piece is where we are right now. Part of ambiguous loss is not knowing how things are going to end up.”
Hope
I sum it all up by pronouncing that maybe ambiguous loss is simply a loss of hope. Rabbi Harris pauses for a moment before answering. “I think that giving up hope is one of the options you can choose in responding to ambiguous loss. For example, once you sit Shiva, you’re no longer in ambiguous loss. You have brought closure.
Ambiguous loss is more the debate of whether to give up hope or hold on to it.
And if I hold on to the hope, what is it that I’m hoping for? Because I might have to accept that my hope, that what I hoped for last week or last month, might not be what I hope for now.
The bottom line for Rabbi Harris? “I think that for me, the way that I sort of think about ambiguous loss is grieving what is lost while still recognizing what is present.”
by Debra | Dec 22, 2023 | Featured Slider, Health & Wellness, Israel, Loss, Mental Health, war in israel
By Debra Rich Gettleman
Dr. Melanie Rich, (no relation), doesn’t necessarily look like a first responder as she sits in her tastefully appointed Scottsdale, AZ office. But she’s been on the ground helping victims cope with trauma for decades.
At Ben Taub hospital in Houston in 1975, she was part of the team that developed the first rape kit. She was one of several therapists on-call to help victims deal with the trauma of rape. From evidence collection to physical wound triage to the emotional overwhelm that affects victims of rape, Dr. Rich was there to help heal.
In 1995, while living in Oklahoma, she was at the Federal building after the bombing to walk injured victims and family members of those killed in the blast, through the desecrated remains prior to it being imploded.
Then came 911 and she was a regular on morning television news programs trying to help people deal with the grief, rage, and loss we experienced at the hands of brutal ISIS terrorists.
She tried to get to Israel to provide trauma counseling shortly after the October 7th Hamas massacre. But in the midst of the chaos and turmoil, only military personnel were allowed to fly into the country.
We sat down to talk about the direct and indirect trauma that Jews in America and all across the globe are experiencing.
“People respond to trauma very differently,” she tells me, “More sensitive ‘feelers’ take things really hard. Whether they know someone who was personally involved or not doesn’t matter. They are highly empathic people who have an immediate response and a hard time coming out of it. Other people might take longer to process the stress and trauma. It may look different. But they are still empathic.”
I confess to being an empath and ask what we are supposed to do to protect our psyches as we witness this kind of brutality. Dr. Rich recommends unplugging. She jokes about the sidelong glances she used to get from the program director at the news station where she appeared post 911. She told viewers, “Folks, turn off your televisions. You can only watch those horrific images so many times before it starts to make your soul sick.”
While that might have been the end of Rich’s tv news career, she still adheres to that same principal and tells me, “It’s about balance. You can be informed without watching hours of traumatizing footage.”
“I feel guilty turning it off,” I say. “What gives me the right to walk away and go to the gym or have my hair done? People in Israel, can’t just ‘turn it off.’” “Survivor guilt is real,” she responds.
“But your self-care might enable you to better reach out and help where you are able. Taking care of your own psyche prevents you from being incapacitated with sadness and depression.”
Dr. Rich recommends engaging in stress management techniques like exercise and spending time with people to lift yourself up. Attending community gatherings that encourage unity is also a great way to destress.
I ask about how to help young kids and teens cope with all the negative energy and dissent. While she admits she’s not a social media expert, Dr. Rich recognizes, “Social media is really angry and confrontational right now, and not very empathic. The rhetoric is so angry and accusing. Young adults are getting the brunt of it. It’s painful trying to figure out who’s with you and who’s against you.”
“Listen to your kids,” Dr. Rich advises. “Ask them what questions they have and reassure them that they are safe and will continue to be safe. That is the primary job for adults in their lives. Listen more than talk. Ask questions and really listen to what kids are saying.”
She also encourages anyone who is struggling to unplug and reach out to clergy, temple personnel, and counseling organizations for referrals to mental health practitioners
Overall, Dr. Rich suggests, “Go to rallies or smaller town halls. Put yourself in a room with people who share your feelings and emotions. And most importantly, talk to people. Let them share in whatever you’re thinking and feeling.”
She acknowledges that many people feel they should suffer in silence, hide their emotions, and not make waves. She disagrees profoundly with that. “Now is the time to make waves, big waves,” she adds, “In peaceful, thoughtful, and ethical ways.”
While the signs of trauma vary by individual, here are some red flags to watch for:
- Irritability
- Anger
- Depression
- Tearfulness
- Overwhelm
- Nightmares
- Sleep disturbances
- Being unusually quiet, withdrawn, or distant
by Debra | Dec 22, 2023 | Antisemitism, Israel, Media, News, opinion, Politics, war in israel
By Debra Rich Gettleman
Everyday I wear a very tasteful, and very noticeable Jewish star around my neck. It falls just above the necklace that reads my Hebrew name, Devorah. I also wear a blue ribbon when I go out to show my support for Israel and my hope that all of the hostages will be returned to safety. I’m not screaming or shouting from rooftops. I’m quietly asserting who I am and speaking up about what I believe.While friends of mine are taking down their mizuzot, removing kippot and affirming not to put their hanukiahs in their windows this year, I am asking you to honor your Jewishness by displaying meaningful Jewish symbols in your homes and on your person.
It’s not enough to support Israel silently right now. It’s about standing proudly for the Jews and the Jewish state. Because back in 1938, when the Nazi regime was gaining power, most Jews preferred to tamp down their identities and try to wait out the antisemitism creeping into their lives.
In pre-World War II Germany, it was incomprehensible to imagine that Jews, successful members of a cultured society, could ever be targeted in one of the deadliest genocides the world had ever seen. Jews were barred from certain professions. Their businesses were shut down. Jewish children were no longer able to go to school. Jews were defined as biologically inferior through their blood lines. And as all that happened, no one believed that it would lead to the systematic destruction of 6 million Jewish men, women, and children. Look around right now. Jews are being targeted. Jewish businesses are being boycott. Jewish students on campuses all over the world are not safe. And yet, most Jews I know continue to assert that something like the Holocaust could never happen today. We say, “never again” and yet, we are watching history repeat itself.
Look at the Cooper Union Jewish students who hid in a library while pro-Palestinian rioters banged on the glass doors threatening violence. Or the Jewish people in Rashida Tlaib’s 12th district who lost family during the October 7th massacre and have to grapple with the reality that their congresswoman sponsors terrorism and hate. Or, think about Aaron Dahan, Upper East Side owner of Caffe Aronne, whose half a dozen baristas walked off the job due to his support of Israel.
This is history repeating itself. And it is up to all of us to say something, do something, stand for something, and not pretend it isn’t happening. Let’s applaud business icons like Bill Ackman and Idan Ofer who spoke out against Ivy league alma maters that support anti-Jewish student groups. Let’s support the 234 Democrat and Republican Representatives who voted to censor Tlaib’s insensitive pro-Hamas rhetoric. Let’s cheer loudly for Pro-Israel community members in New York who showed up to volunteer to work at Café Aronne. Doctors, lawyers, Rabbis, Jews from all walks of life came to help and encourage people to buy gift cards to bolster the business. Customers now line up around the block to support the store and the business continues to see a significant bump in customers after news of the barista walk-off spread.
Elie Wiesel said, “Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
Speak your truth and speak it now.
by Debra | Dec 17, 2023 | Activism, charitable giving, Featured Slider, Israel, Seeking Justice, tikun olam
As Israel and America stand strong against Hamas, Hezbollah, and anyone who supports the massacre of innocent civilians, the desire to help is palpable. But how do you know where and how to give? How do you determine a charity is credible and fiscally responsible? How can you be sure that the money you donate is getting to those in danger and most in need?
Jewish Life Now has done some research and through a careful analysis of philanthropic, economic, and human service non-profit organizations and charitable organizations, we have put together a list of some of the most reputable and effective charities. In addition to the short list below, your Jewish Federations, Combined Jewish Philanthropies and Jewish Community Foundations are equipped to help as well. (As always, please do your own research):
American Friends of Magen David Adom
https://afmda.org
Help is desperately needed to put more ambulances on the road and to replenish supplies for EMTs and paramedics and for MDA’s blood services division.
American Friends of Meir Panim
https://meirpanim.org/
Food insecurity in Israel
https://donate.meirpanim.org/2023-emergency-campaign/
Adopt the families of Nachal Oz
American Friends of Natal
afnatal.org
NATAL - the Israel Trauma and Resiliency Center is an apolitical non-profit organization which provides a unique, multidisciplinary model of psychological support to victims of trauma due to terror and war, regardless of religion or political affiliation.
Citrus & Salt Cooking/Citizen’s Kitchen
www.citrusandsaltcooking.com
https://www.gofundme.com/f/citizens-kitchen
Tel Aviv cooking studio turned meal operation for soldiers and families in Isarel.
Dogs Are Us Israel
www.Dogsrus.co.il
A dog rescue for the last 7 years, the need to rescue and house dogs since October 7 has increased substantially due to the chaos that ensued including displaced families, deaths and fear.
Friends of the Israel Defense Forces
https://www.fidf.org
A non-political, non-military organization that provides for wellbeing of the soldiers of the Israel Defense Forces (IDF), veterans and family members.
Jewish National Fund (JNF)
Jnf.org
They work to ensure a strong, secure, and prosperous future for the land and people of Israel from planting trees, building houses and parks, source water solutions, buy fire trucks, and improve the lives of people with special needs and run volunteer programs in Israel. To volunteer on farms across Israel - register to their mission: https://bit.ly/3ucxy5D
One Israel Fund
https://oneisraelfund.org
Primarily focused on enabling Jewish life to flourish in all areas of our Biblical Heartland, as well as other areas throughout Israel.
Soldiers Save Lives
www.soldierssavelives.org
A grass roots organization that saw the need on October 8 and jumped into action.They send equipment to the IDF via their US- to- Israel supply chain.
In memory of David Newman.
United Hatzalah
https://israelrescue.org/
The largest community-based volunteer emergency medical services (EMS) organization that provides the fastest response to medical emergencies across Israel free of charge. You can donate for emergency equipment as well.
israeli flag
Volunteers For Israel
https://vfi-usa.org/
Opportunities for civilians to volunteer on IDF bases
by Debra | Nov 30, 2023 | Activism, Antisemitism, Featured Slider, Israel, jewish news, Judaism, Students On Campus, war in israel
By Debra Rich Gettleman
All too often we find ourselves enraged by irresponsible comments from elected officials, religious leaders, and presidents of universities. We rant privately to friends. We write angry letters. We call our representatives and threaten future support. We withhold funds. Because money talks.
But does our fury affect change? Do we alter hearts and minds? Are our efforts to sway the opinions of those who propose moral equivalency arguments about Israel and Hamas changing them or at best, causing them to keep their offensive comments out of the public arena?
The answer is no. We tell the truth. Others lie. They make excuses for the slaughter, rape, and kidnapping of innocent Israeli civilians. They blame Israel for her tactical, surgical, strategic dismantling of Hamas.
We need a better public relations campaign. One that makes people think differently. A campaign that stops ignorance in its tracks and forces the uneducated to rethink their misguided convictions.
Honoring the Misguided
A friend of mine was dismayed upon reading public remarks by the president of his alma mater about the unconscionable Hamas attack on October 7th. The president wrote about the complex history in the region and suggested that both Israel and Hamas were responsible for the current state of affairs.
My friend was livid. For a learning institution that he believed in and financially supported for decades to misrepresent the brutality of Hamas and suggest moral equivalency with respect to Israel’s self-defense was simply unacceptable.
He visited the Friends of the IDF website and made a generous donation in honor of said president. The Tribute e-card was immediately emailed and a rather awkward thank you note arrived in my pal’s email. The email suggested that the president was grateful for his donation and added that it is certainly a shame when rhetoric is taken out of context.
Clearly there was no misunderstanding in the content of the rhetoric. And I am not naïve enough to suggest that my friend’s clever action will shift this university head’s mindset. However, by choosing this elegant proactive response, I am willing to bet that this academic leader will not be making these kinds of irresponsible public statements moving forward. Plus, he is using his ear-marked donation dollars, previously funneled to the University, to support the IDF and the values of truth, integrity, and moral clarity.
Imagine what we could do if everyone of us followed suit. Let’s do it
Let’s Honor…
Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, President Obama, Susan Sarandon, Selena Gomez, Bella Hadid, Gigi Hadid, Mark Ruffalo, Claudine Gay, Kanye West, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Mia Khalifa…
Please add your honoree to the list in the comments and go ahead and donate to the IDF here.
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